He’s in triage mode. The Kirk is hemorrhaging families and none of his usual tricks have stopped the bleeding. Moreover, people are leaving without telling him. They just go, which is good. To borrow one of his lines, he doesn’t deserve notice. He didn’t bother to notify kirkers before he “urged” Judge Stegner to go easy on Sitler and he didn’t think the Kirk worthy of notice before he blame-shifted Jamin Wight’s horrible crimes onto Natalie’s father.
He’s always been able to control these things by pulling the trigger on one family or another. But this time it’s different. He has so many open wounds that he’s lost count of those who have left and, more importantly, he no longer knows what they’re saying after they go. This is a problem because normally he thinks that if he can’t completely silence them, then he can rebut their arguments to keep them from persuading you. But now he’s in the dark. Further, he knows that for every family who leaves, six other families are watching closely.
So welcome to the FOG. He calls it the Fellowship of the Grievance because, as noted, it’s never him — it’s always someone else’s fault. He uses the FOG to quarantine potential problems and to scare the hell out of you. No true Christian wants to be part of the problem in a church and if you’re in the FOG, then you’re part of the problem. Or at least that’s the argument.
But it’s not fog — it’s gas. He’s gaslighting you. As the link says:
Sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but typically, are also charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions.
He says things like, “You’re the only one, no one else is concerned about this,” when in fact 90% of the Kirk is alarmed and 50% have said something to him. Or he’ll readjust the facts of the case to make the damage appear minimal. But he’s not being honest with you. He’s gassing you.
And not just you. Now he’s gassing from the web, which means he’s gassing everyone. Instead of targeting individuals who talk to him in the office or by phone, he’s bombing the whole Kirk, which has never happened before. It used to be that a few Grace & Peace emails that described a specific kirker whom he deemed a threat usually did it. But now he’s dropping poison on the whole forest. Indeed, he sent his wife to gas as well. Better to suffer massive collateral damage than to lose it all, I suppose.
This is not normal and it’s not healthy. When the pastor starts calling the sheep names en masse, you can be sure that he’s the problem. All churches have difficulties but nothing like this. Ask yourself, since the time you were saved, have you ever seen so much scandal plague a church as you see at Christ Church, Moscow? Of course not! And every single time he has a handy-dandy excuse that he pulls out of his hat. Then a week later it dawns on you that he blew smoke in your ear.
So what do you do? You call those whom you trust that have left and ask them to offload the boat. It’s not gossip and it’s not sin. Remember, they’re not the ones who covered for the pedophile behind the Kirk’s back. Some will tell you simple things such as, “We really believed God wanted us here.” And others will say, “He told me, ‘You’re the only one,’ and then I discovered he said the exact same thing to so and so, after they voiced the same concern.” Everyone has a different reason but in the end they arrived at the same result: They left.
And let me relieve you of one other burden. It’s not you. It’s him.
Are families really leaving the kirk en masse?? Is it so?? Because if it is, then AHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA… HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
…Seriously, Doug Wilson deserves nothing but endless ridicule. What a halfwit.
They’re not leaving en masse, though I wish they would. He’s labeling them, or calling them names, en masse. He’s carpet bombing the Kirk to cure the hemorrhage.
I get it that people are staying because he’s got dirt on them and therefore has a vice grip on their balls, but at some point you have to get out and simply let the chips fall. You have to cut your losses.
Dash: His primary method of control is through family members. If you leave, then he ensures your children or grandchildren or both will shun you, and on more than one occasion he secures the spouse (usually the wife) and arranges a divorce. He cites Nehemiah for his authority to bust up homes.
That’s precisely the tactic that David Miscavige uses, which is why there are several hundred Scientologists “voluntarily” imprisoned in The Hole at Gold Base. So basically Doug Wilson is using Scientology tactics to hold people hostage to his stupid, stupid church. It’s what he did to Gary Greenfield.
The Hole (Scientology)
At first I thought you said “Half a halfwit.” I did. No joke. And not your fault of course. But now I’m sort of mad at you for being so generous.
Also, “The Kirk is hemorrhaging families” gave me the same impression it gave you. So, not to be a jerk, but I’m a little…well, if someone had been as wordsmithy as the unbelievably awesome DW…ok I’ll stop now. 🙂
“Beatings will continue until morale improves”
“That’s one of the remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.”
–Bill Watterson
There could be a new category in the DSM of Mental Disorders because of Wilson. On the other hand, he might actually take that as a compliment, since he likes to get attention – even if it’s wrong attention.
Thank you for your excellent post on Doug Wilson’s gaslighting technique.
I personally experienced this when I was in the process of leaving the Kirk years ago. In my case, he did not tell me that I was the only one because my departure predated the Sitler/Wight cases. But he did play the Your Crazy card, the That Never Happened card, the Your Confused card, etc. And he did this in spite of clear documented evidence that certain things did happen and that I was neither confused nor crazy. At the end, I showed Doug Wilson the evidence and asked him to show me where I was wrong.
He never did. He just ignored me.
I don’t doubt that more scandals will surface. Or that things will get worse in the Kirk. It’s just a question of how many, when they come out, and how bad they are.
When any grievance is considered “gossip” or bitterness,” or the pastor and his wife can label you a “hater,” or “envious,” or worse for disagreeing, they have set up a perfect environment for abuse, abuse from the pastor and his wife and from anyone else. (Just read posts on their “personal” blogs concerning anyone who does not cower in their luminosity.)
“It is not permissible to talk about problems, hurts and abuses in the abusive system. Hence, there is no healing and restoration after the wound has occurred, and the victim is made to feel at fault FOR QUESTIONING OR POINTING OUT THE PROBLEM.” (The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse- David Johnson)
“The pastor interprets his position of authority to mean that his thoughts and opinions are supreme. If he said it, her only right response should be to agree — definitely not object.” (TSPoSA)
“The wolves are in the house, and some of them are in charge.” (TSPoSA)
By serendipity, I just learned a new word this morning. “Apophasis”….A rhetorical term for the mention of something in disclaiming intention of mentioning it–or pretending to deny what is really affirmed. Adjective: apophatic or apophantic. Similar to paralepsis and praeteritio.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines apophasis by quoting John Smith’s* The Mysterie of Rhetorique Unvail’d (1657): “a kind of Irony, whereby we deny that we say or doe that which we especially say or doe.”
Oh, you mean like Wilson referring to Natalie as a “Lolita” and then immediately following with, “and by that I do not mean to infer that she is a Lolita.”
You mean like that?
Yep. Sounds like the number of times the good “Pastor” has used that particular rhetorical device is beyond the calculating power of the most powerful supercomputers.
@CNW — I’m looking for a word that describes this kind of circumstance: Doug Wilson deliberately commits plagiarism in his written apology for having committed plagiarism. He does it with a high-hand, shoving it in your face for you to catch, but acting nonchalant about it.
Or Doug Wilson cites a Confederate general in the postbellum South making positive statements about his former slaves to demonstrate the man wasn’t a racist. However, Wilson quotes him out of context and omits the part about the general serving as the first Grand Dragon of the KKK and the part about how the general said, in the same interview, that blacks shouldn’t have the right to vote.
In each case, he denies what he’s affirming, but the denial is subtle, or hidden. You only see it if you dig. For now I call it audacious deception, but I’m sure there’s a real word for it.
duplicity
Yes, it’s duplicitous, but it’s more. Duplicity doesn’t cover the audacity or the subtlety involved in the act.
Time for a new word to be coined. “Wilsoning”.
Raise your hand if you’ve been Wilsoned.
LoL! Wilsoning. I raise my hand. I’ve been Wilsoned and it wasn’t even by Doug. But it was by a crafty cult leader who honed the art of hoodwinking well!